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"...it is good that I should remember for in memory is my salvation. I should say, my curse. This then is a recollection as well, of sounds and smells, and, if the telling is at times sketchy, it is because there are things I do not want to dwell upon--things that rile and disturb because they lash at me and crucify me in my weakness, in my knowledge of what was."

--F. Sionil Jose, Tree

Because I couldn't have said it better. Read more here.

AND HEY! I have a (sort of) writing journal now~ Yes, it's very pretentious of me, but well, idle hands and all. /shameless self-pimpage

State of the Tartol Address

Thought I'd poke around a bit.

So. News. Hm. I have a job now, a 'real' job, lolz. A friend once told me to 'try the corporate world' so here I am. There I am. I feel the pain of taxes now haha. >_<

Also, I'm back at school, mostly funding myself. Mistress-in-training, beeyotches. =P

As for <3 ... Once more into the breach. =) Code name: Moja. XDDD


Motherhood Deniers

Caveat: I wrote this in a state of fugue brought on by too much rage. And butthurt, I admit. So, mostly, this would be disjointed, rambly and such. I've never been one to explain myself clearly. Then again, I wrote this for myself, to purge out the, hmm, what's the trendy word for it now, or initials in this case? BV? That.

******************

Generally, I believe that my country is known for its close family ties. Majority of the people I've known, or even briefly met, has clannish and proprietary attitudes. I have a very extended family, and they may not know everyone personally, but just a mention of a name is enough to dig up a connection, however far off that connection may be.

Click here to read more.Collapse )

I don't want to have a child just for the sake of getting a child. When I'm 40 and unable to have a child but want and am ready for one? I would adopt. Blood means everything and nothing. Family is what we make it.

People are pressuring me into changing my mind and I don't like it. People are belittling my choices and I don't like it. Just because I don't believe that a marriage and children are necessary to my fulfilment. I don't like it and I'm tired of this shit.

Which brings me to what started this outpouring of rage (stroooong, haha).

So I read this article, 'Any woman who says she's happy to be childless is a liar or a fool': Take it from a woman who's given up her dreams of motherhood at 44, says KATE SPICER and I wish I never clicked on the link and never read it; I would've saved my blood pressure from going up.

What the fuck. Where does she go off that she can call me names? That she knows better than I the truth of my state of (un)happiness?

Earlier this week, a broadsheet newspaper ran a triumphalist piece by a 42-year-old who claimed she was wilfully and joyfully childfree. The writer was one of a growing number of women, she claimed, who believe having it all means not having a baby. I call them the Motherhood Deniers.

Motherhood Deniers. A label. She's stuck a label on me.

Motherhood Denier, I am not. If I could teach a class to 16-year-olds about the importance of having a baby while you've still got energy and fresh eggs in your ovaries, I would.

This. I just ... Seriously? She's all for teenage pregnancies? I HAVE NO WORDS.

As for me, I feel an excruciating awkwardness around new mothers, whose total intimacy with their child leaves me feeling like an outcast, not least because it exposes the ties of friendship as thin and practical.

Wow. And she just called all my friendship with those who are mothers fake.

Then again, while women who don't have kids often flag up how wonderful it is to have so much time on their hands, I can't help noticing it's women with kids who get the most done.

I resent this. I resent this so much. She's telling me that I won't be as successful as mothers. It's in tandem with the party line that I won't find as much fulfilment because I'm childless.

The Motherhood Deniers are terribly excited about their friends. None of whom will be able to wipe their own bottoms in 40 years time, let alone those of their chums. And we all know nephews and nieces are not in the business of dedicating their lives to maiden aunts.

That is just screwed up. I hated the idea -- not at caring for your parents in their old age (wiping their bottoms, as Kate Spicer so delicately put it) -- that you basically raise a child so as to have someone care for you. That's cold-hearted. I hated it when I read of it in Lara Esquivel's Like Water for Chocolate, and I hated reading about it in her POS article. (The second daughter was not allowed to marry because she was to take up the mantle of caring for their mother.)

There are many more things I wanted to highlight (the breeding to idiots line comes to mind) but then I would've essentially posted the entire article.

Just because she changed her mind later but it was too late for her? It doesn't mean she gets to judge us all childless-and-we-prefer-it-that-way women. Oh, I meant us Motherhood Deniers. The entire article was patronizing, condescending, and other unflattering -ing words. Couldn't she make herself feel better another way? It's like she had a pity party and opened it to the public.

She's saying, there's only one way to live for us women, and everybody who doesn't is pathetic. Fuck that shit. Why is somebody's choice to have children more valid than my choice to have none?


Unsexy tiemz

So, this was meant to be a message for eebiljo-monmon on facebook, but figured I'd just post here, haha.

**********

Cat is soooooo black-hearted and so not subtle in revenge, lol. See, sometimes I tell her to go catch a mouse and she does (she really does! amazing grown-up kitteh).

Like all cats (all cats are evil, fact), she likes to play with her prey before she eats it (eats it! ew. couldn't believe the first time i proved it) and since she regards my bed as ours, she want to do it theeeeere, gawd, every. time.

I thought I'd broken her of the habit, but a couple of nights ago, I woke up to her jumping on the bed beside me. So I reached out and petted her. I was drifitng off again when I heard this nasty *crunchy* sound. I rolled out of bed - totally like a ninja and not like a flailing headless chicken, and cat is not a reliable witness - and slapped the light switch on and what do I see? Cat almost done with her midnight snack.

The realisation that I was stroking her while she had herself a tasty, raw meat was unpleasant, let me tell you. The trauma of it all!

I totally regretted telling her to catch a mouse earlier in the night. >_< Changing everything on the bed in the middle of the night is a pain in the arse, I tell you, pain in the arse. (Anytime after I fall asleep is the middle of the night, fyi.)

So I valiantly tried to go back to sleep and I was victorious!

As dawn was breaking, I was once again jolted to wakefulness. Jittery from the last time it had happened, and suspicious, oh so very suspicious, I employed my ninja moves once more and was able to prevent the evil that was to take place.

I put her on the floor and told her, very sternly, to do her ... stuff ... there. It resulted to a stand-off, with her eyeing the bed and me eyeing her eyeing the bed. A couple of aborted moves, and one successful one whereby I quickly snatched her off and deposited her back to the floor.

Spitefully, she did the deed atop my slippers, the vengeful cat-bitch.

A couple of facts about my cat: she always, always eats her catch, and she's a fastidious eater (of mouse). So when I woke up this morning to mouse parts strewn across the bed? Torn limb from limb but not eaten?

She did it for revenge, and nobody can tell me otherwise.

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Running out of things to read

Well, there are my books but I barely want to touch them so ...

Augh. What is it with today? Maybe it *is* a sign that I gotta get on them books, pronto, because it seems like all fics I've read today were meant to break me, haha. I guess I've hit that stage wherein once you've read most everything about your ship in the fandom, you start to to take chances on other fics, and they just end up hurtiiing. XD Ah well.


Life lessons

... no really, I don't have life lessons to share, haha, I was just stumped for a subject title.

So. My very own Fortress of Solitude. I've been living on my own for roughly the past month. And when I say live alone, I mean I basically house sit under the guise of being exiled to have a quiet place where I can study for the upcoming licensure exam. And by that, I what I *really* mean is I live a hundred feet away from home, and they sometimes send me home-cooked food.

*sheepish grin*

In that time, I managed to: cook rice for the first time ever (rice cooker, but still!), perfect my egg-cooking skills, live without cold water for drinking, make pancakes.

But mostly, I survive through liquid diet. My miniscule store of groceries consists of two flavours of Energen, Milo, chocolate-flavoured instant coffee, Choc-O, and lots and lots of Nestea.

I despair for myself.

Moving on. The studying thing? Not going so well. Because I'm not actually studying. I spend a lot of my time reading unrelated stuff and staring blankly at my walls (on that note, I peppered my walls with study notes so I don't blankly stare at blank walls haha and I hope it helps with the blank part of my staring). I'm gundam lucky I managed to get approved to take the exam *at all*.

Also, - and this is costing me to put it out there - I am scared a great deal. It feels like my brain is failing me. And what would be left for me to depend on, a person who's never had a good study habit (this is me pretending I actually have one)?

It's failing me. My mind is going. I've been reading some words wrong, and it takes my brain a few seconds to catch the mistake. I write things wrong. I've been forgetting a lot. I ask people questions, they answer, and a minute later I ask them the same question again, sometimes a third time. People tell me things I could never remember the next day. My thought patterns are all over the board.

I've always depended on my brain to get me through things. I dread for my future.


All the bad feels

Fudge, two degrees under me and you'd think I'd have left all this shit behind in high school.

Should've fucked up in high school more since it appears the fucking up is catching up.

People ask me and ask me and ask me, "What's wrong?" and all I can do is laugh weakly and fob them off because how do you answer that when you yourself don't even know what's up from down or sideways?

I wish I could pass it off as some kind of medical disorder. Hard to do when I know most people wouldn't even see the problem and people who don't even see there's a problem have a difficult time understanding. And I get that, I do.

It's weak and it's shameful because I know better. This fear just ... it's debilitating. It paralyses me and all I can do is escape.

And escape for me has always been reading.

The past week alone, I must've read a couple million words. And I can't stop and I need to, I need to stop. I have revisions and exams and preps and I'm ignoring everything but I can't. just. stop.

So yes. I can hardly answer people with "Me." when they ask me what's wrong.


First of all, yes, I haven't forgot the sort of promises I made last month (last year!!) and I swear I am working them. Well ... I have ideas about them, at least? ^^;;

To tell the truth, I was kind of afraid to even look at this, my journal. It's like every time I get a peek at my LJ, I could feel this big, hulking sense of responsibility loom over me. It starts with my abandoned once-a-week compiling gig over at Naruto News then all the unfinished entries I have for the 100 Things meme, then the ... stuff ... I'm thinking about for alain_03, then it gets me thinking of all the papers and reports and exams I have coming up and all the unfinished work I have left over from LAST SEMESTER ASDFGHJKL;.

And LJ makes me feel lost. And losing steadily. I look at my past posts and I get this kind of wonder, Did I really write that? and Wow, I read all of those but most of all ...

I feel like I've lost big chunks of myself without knowing. The worst part is when I knew I was losing parts of myself but couldn't give a flying fuck.

I was reformatting some books for my Kindle and I unearthed fics I read years ago. They made me sad. They made me remember how I was back then, when I had the capacity for loving big and loving many, and had the fortitude to do something about it.

I miss fandom. I miss watching anime. (I miss 1x2 and John Sheppard and Kyouya and Conrad and Hibari andandand-) I miss leaving comments on stories, of lurking in commmunities, of stalking authors. I miss discovering new stuff, new books, new shows. I miss all the meta-shite. I miss writing. But not the wanking, gods, no.


Destressing

100 Things Update~

I have partially written something for the following titles (and by partially I meant wrote a line here and there, LOL):
  • Kore wa Zombie desu ka
  • Baka to Test to Shoukanjuu Seasons 1 and 2
  • Kimi to Boku Seasons 1 and 2

Hm, maybe I'd better make a list of some other titles I'd write about ... for inspiration or something, haha.

- Monochrome Factor
- Another
- Tiger & Bunny
- Soul Eater
- Brave10
- Overdrive
- Beelzebub
- Deadman Wonderland
- Level E
- No. 6
- Nurarihyon no Mago
- Phi Brain
- Patalliro!
- Urusei Yatsura
- Gestalt
- Baccano!

The Maybe List
- Ookiku Furikabutte
- Beck
- Ouran High Host Club
- Hajime no Ippo
- One Piece

ETA: WTF, LJ? Either you interpret my line breaks or not, choose one! Grr. I'm always in HTML mode when writing, so I don't get why sometimes I have to place linebreak tags while sometimes the enter key works just as well. RAWR.


Hurr durr

I am sick of people making posts on communities that lead to their locked journals.

That bitchy line is brought to you by fucking bureaucrats.

On a happy note ... Hm. There *is* no happy note today. Does paying the minimum on my credit card account count?


A year to go~

A lot of things happened. A lot more *didn't*. Mea culpa.

I have two terms of school left ... hopefully, if things go well. I'm crossing my fingers for that. It's my new mantra, the sole motivation I have left. One year to go. After that, the licensure exam, and it'll be all over.

Yes, I am all out of burning desire for school. I'm all studied out, haha. I have no scholarship which to look forward, having lost it last term, and being ineligible for this coming term - all because I'll be overloading for four units, and therefore, I'll be falling under the 'irregular' category again. I mean, gundam, they should give us the scholarship even more if we manage to keep up our grades with ther extra courses. Hurr.

Then there are my financial woes. And the business matters. Hay ...


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op rayleigh
aisushi
Aisu the Spotted Rat
Procrastination

happy pill is an illusion

You know that old saying about art imitating real life? I find it real sad when art becomes more interesting than real life is. >.<

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